A trauma therapist unpacks why common phrases like “let it go” often do more harm than good.
One of the hardest things about healing from childhood trauma is realizing how few people actually understand it—and how many people, despite not understanding it, still feel the need to give advice.
Advice that misses the mark
I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, that when we open up about our trauma to the wrong people—those who are emotionally half-safe, deeply codependent, or disconnected from their own unprocessed wounds—we’re often met with responses that feel more like shaming than support.
And it’s not because they’re bad people. It’s because unhealed trauma speaks in all sorts of coded language. The advice we get often tells us more about their emotional defenses than our healing journey.
What these phrases really mean
Let me break this down.
- When a family member tells you to “just move on,” it’s often denial talking. They may not have truly moved on themselves—they’ve simply buried the pain so deep they mistake numbness for healing. It’s easier to posture from a place of emotional superiority than to face the grief they never got to process.
- When someone insists you “forgive,” pay attention to what they’re actually modeling. This is often coming from a place of toxic positivity or deep codependency. They’ve cut themselves off from their own rightful anger or sense of justice in an effort to look like the “bigger person.” But healing doesn’t come from pretending to be okay.
- When you’re told to “let it go,” especially by someone who clearly hasn’t, you’re likely encountering magical thinking—maybe even spiritual bypassing. This kind of advice can come from those who haven’t done the deep work themselves but want you to skip to the part where it doesn’t hurt anymore.
- And when someone says “that was in the past,” they’re often confusing accountability with shame. They might be trying to avoid their own uncomfortable truths, especially if they played a part in the dynamic. It’s a way to shut down the conversation—because they don’t want to sit with what’s real.
Unhealed trauma in disguise
These kinds of responses aren’t neutral. They’re not helpful. And they’re certainly not trauma-informed. I see them for what they are: symptoms of unhealed trauma speaking out loud.
Know your audience
That’s why I encourage my clients to know your audience. Before sharing vulnerable truths, ask yourself: Is this person capable of receiving me without judgment? Are they full of compassion—or full of b.s.?
Because shame is sneaky. It can make you second-guess your own reality, especially when it’s dressed up as “well-meaning advice.”
Moral phrases that mute real healing
Phrases like:
- “The past is the past.”
- “Move on.”
- “Let it go.”
- “Forgive.”
…may sound morally upright, but often, they’re rooted in discomfort, fear, and emotional avoidance. They’re defense mechanisms disguised as wisdom.
What real support looks like
Real healing doesn’t come from skipping over the hard stuff. It comes from being witnessed in your truth by people who can sit with the weight of your story without trying to fix it, silence it, or reframe it for their own comfort.
So if you’ve been met with advice that feels more like shame, know this: There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not too sensitive. You’re not stuck. You’re just learning how to protect your healing from people who aren’t ready to face their own.
You deserve safe, informed support on your healing journey. Let’s make space for that.
Want to talk to someone who gets it?
I work with individuals healing from complex trauma and childhood emotional neglect. If you’re ready for a therapist who honors your lived experience and holds space for real, lasting change—reach out. Let’s begin.
