Why Is It So Hard to Make Lasting Changes in My Relationship?
If you’re working on improving your relationship, you’ve probably thought a lot about your goals and how motivated you are to change. Maybe you’ve tried to communicate better or handle conflicts differently, but the changes don’t seem to last. There’s a reason why real, lasting change is tough to achieve—it’s not just about making different choices; it’s about something deeper called developmental change.
The Difference Between Behavioral and Developmental Change
Behavioral Change:
Behavioral change is quick and easy. It’s as simple as deciding to do something differently. For example, if you realize that raising your voice during an argument makes things worse, you might choose to lower your tone the next time. This kind of change can happen immediately once you’re aware of the need for it.
Developmental Change:
But many of the changes you need in a relationship aren’t that simple. Developmental change is harder because it requires you to grow and develop new emotional skills. It’s about learning to respond in healthier ways, especially during stressful situations. This type of change takes time and patience because it involves shifting how you react when you’re upset or hurt.
Why Is Developmental Change So Difficult?
When you’re stressed or feeling attacked, it’s natural to fall back on automatic reactions, like snapping at your partner or shutting down. Even if you know it’s better to stay calm, it’s hard to do that in the heat of the moment. This is why developmental change is challenging—it means learning to manage your emotions and reactions differently when things get tough.
For example, you may know that being open and honest with your partner is important, but sharing the truth when you’re afraid it might upset them can be difficult.
This is especially hard if, in the past, you’ve learned to avoid tough conversations to keep the peace. Changing this takes practice, and it’s normal to struggle with it.
Lasting Change Means Changing the Dynamic in Your Relationship
One reason lasting change can be so hard is that it’s not just about you. Real change requires both you and your partner to shift how you interact. Here’s what that process might look like:
- Decide to Change: You decide to handle something differently, like telling your partner the truth even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Start Doing Things Differently: You begin acting on that decision, trying to be more honest and open.
- Your Partner’s Reaction: Over time, your partner notices this change. They may react positively or negatively, or both! They might appreciate your honesty, or they might feel uncomfortable at first.
- Adjusting to New Reactions: As your partner responds differently, you also have to adjust. You might find new challenges popping up, like dealing with their reaction to your honesty.
- Setbacks Are Normal: There will be times when you fall back into old habits, especially when you’re tired or stressed. This is completely normal. What’s important is to keep going and try again.
- Over Time, Things Change: As you continue to make different choices and respond to your partner in new ways, your relationship dynamic will start to shift. You’ll find that both of you are responding differently and, hopefully, in a way that feels healthier and more connected.
Building New Emotional Skills
The key to lasting change is developing new emotional skills, or what I like to call “relational capacity.” This means learning to stay calm and respond thoughtfully in stressful situations.
It’s about becoming the kind of partner you want to be, even when things are tough. This process takes time, and it’s not always easy, but the rewards are worth it.
Embracing the Growth Process
Change isn’t always comfortable, especially when it means confronting old habits and reactions. But the more you practice, the better you’ll get at handling difficult moments in your relationship. Over time, you’ll find that you’re able to respond in new ways, even when emotions are running high. This growth is what leads to deeper, more meaningful connections with your partner.
Remember, real change doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process of learning and growing together, and it’s completely normal to experience setbacks along the way. But if you stick with it, you’ll find yourself in a stronger, healthier relationship that reflects the kind of person and partner you truly want to be.
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