Every relationship faces challenges. The key to a strong partnership isn’t avoiding problems — it’s learning how to face them as a team.
One helpful idea from couples therapy is the concept of “thirds.” A third is anything outside your relationship that puts stress on it. That could be work, alcohol, friends, an ex, social media, electronics, or even a pet. When a third starts causing tension between you and your partner, that’s a sign it needs to be handled together — not ignored or fought over.
Work the Problem, Not Each Other
When conflict comes up, it helps to remember: the problem is the third. Not your partner.
Your job is to face the issue side by side — not to turn on each other. When you start blaming your partner, you stop solving the problem. You’re just fighting. Nothing gets fixed, and both of you walk away feeling frustrated and further apart.
Instead, try asking yourself: What did I do — or not do — that contributed to this?
That one question shifts everything. It creates shared responsibility instead of blame.
Here’s something worth remembering: everyone is annoying sometimes. We all make mistakes. We all act selfishly now and then. We all disappoint the people we love. That’s just being human. The trick is to recognize it — and then work together to fix things instead of turning on each other.
Take Care of Yourself and Your Partner at the Same Time
A strong relationship means looking out for both yourself and your partner — especially when life gets hard.
The moment one of you starts focusing only on your own needs, you become opponents instead of teammates. That’s when resentment builds. And when resentment builds, both of you lose.
Your goal is to keep showing your partner that you are on their side. You do this through your actions — by noticing what they need, remembering what matters to them, and making an effort to support them even on hard days.
When your partner feels like they can’t trust your intentions, they will instinctively see you as a threat. And humans are wired to respond to threats fast — through tone, facial expressions, and body language. Before you speak, think about how your words might land. A small moment of carelessness can cause a lot of unnecessary hurt.
Lead with Relief Whenever Possible
When your partner is upset, your first job is simple: help them feel safe.
That means responding in a way that calms things down — not in a way that makes things worse. Don’t start by explaining yourself. Don’t make excuses. Don’t defend your actions right away.
Acknowledge their feelings first.
A simple, sincere “I’m sorry” or “I hear you” can do more than a long explanation ever will.
Think about it this way: imagine someone steps on your toe. Which response would you rather hear?
- “I didn’t see your foot.”
- “Someone pushed me — it wasn’t my fault.”
- “Oh no, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”
The answer is obvious. The one that shows immediate care is always the right first move.
The same is true in your relationship. If you forgot to say goodbye before leaving the house, a quick “I’m really sorry — that was inconsiderate of me” is so much better than getting defensive. It’s a small thing. But small things add up.
Little Gestures Make a Big Difference
Relief doesn’t always have to come from words.
A nod. Eye contact. A softer tone. A hand on your partner’s shoulder. Giving them a little space when they need it. These small signals tell your partner: I’m on your side. I see you. I’ve got you.
They seem minor. But they build something powerful over time — trust, safety, and the deep sense that you are truly on the same team.
The next time you and your partner face a hard moment, try to remember: it’s the two of you against the problem. Not against each other.
Ready to work on your relationship?
If you and your partner keep finding yourselves on opposite sides instead of the same one, couples therapy can help you find your way back to each other.
I work with couples in person in Boulder, CO and via telehealth across the country. I use evidence-based approaches that help partners learn to work as a real team.
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to see if working together is a good fit.
