Have you ever wondered why you and your partner seem to want different things when it comes to closeness? Why one of you reaches out when things get hard — and the other pulls away?
A lot of it comes down to something called your attachment style. It’s the way you learned to connect with people when you were young — and it shows up in your closest relationships as an adult.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, founder of PACT couples therapy, describes three main styles: the clinging group, the distancing group, and anchors. Most people lean toward one of these — and in couples, it’s very common for a clinger and a distancer to end up together.
The Clinging Group: “Please Don’t Leave Me”
People in the clinging group grew up with a lot of face-to-face connection and emotional interaction as kids. Feelings and relationships meant everything to them.
But there was often a catch. Their parents were sometimes distracted, depressed, or dealing with their own problems. So the connection felt unpredictable. Sometimes it was there. Sometimes it wasn’t. That inconsistency left a deep fear: What if I lose this relationship?
As adults, people in the clinging group tend to:
- Fear rejection, abandonment, and being left behind
- Feel anxious when the relationship changes or feels uncertain
- Struggle to ask for what they need — and then feel like they’re living on “crumbs” of affection
- Expect their partner to just know what they need without being told
- Push their partner away sometimes — to avoid being rejected first
- Be very sensitive to any sign that their partner is pulling back
In a relationship, this can look like a lot of reaching out, a lot of worry, and a deep hunger for reassurance that never quite feels like enough.
What helps: Practice calming yourself when anxiety spikes. Work on asking for what you need directly — out loud, in words. Try to notice the good things your partner does, even when fear tells you it’s not enough. And remember: your partner needing space is not the same as them leaving you.
The Distancing Group: “I Need My Space”
People in the distancing group grew up learning to be independent. Their caregivers may have praised them for being self-sufficient and not needing much. Emotional needs were often seen as a burden — so they learned not to have them. Or at least not to show them.
As adults, people in the distancing group tend to:
- Fear losing their independence or sense of self
- Prefer alone time to recharge — especially after being around people for a while
- Feel uncomfortable showing emotions or talking about feelings
- Prefer to move forward rather than revisit old hurts
- Handle things on their own and feel uneasy accepting help
- Seem distant or hard to read — even when they deeply care
Here’s the important thing: distancers are not cold. They don’t love less. They long for connection just like everyone else. But closeness can feel overwhelming to them — even when they want it.
In relationships, distancers may have a limit for how long they can be physically or emotionally close before they need to withdraw. They may feel relieved when their partner gives them space — and then feel ashamed of that relief. It has nothing to do with attraction. It’s about fear of losing themselves.
What helps: Practice being open about your feelings — even a little at a time. Let your partner in. Work on being emotionally present, even when it feels uncomfortable. Try to see your partner’s need for closeness as something to appreciate, not manage.
Anchors: Secure and Steady
Anchors are securely attached. They are comfortable with both closeness and independence. They can meet their own needs and show up well for their partner’s needs too.
Anchors aren’t perfect — but they have a stable foundation. They don’t panic when things get hard, and they don’t shut down when emotions run high. They can stay present.
The good news is that secure attachment is something you can learn. You don’t have to be born an anchor. With the right support and practice, both clingers and distancers can move toward more secure ways of connecting.
When a Clinger and a Distancer Get Together
This pairing is extremely common — and it makes sense. Clingers are drawn to the calm steadiness of distancers. Distancers are drawn to the warmth and emotional availability of clingers.
But without understanding and skills, this combination can create a painful cycle. The clinger reaches for more connection. The distancer pulls back. The clinger reaches harder. The distancer pulls back further. Both partners end up feeling misunderstood and alone.
Understanding your attachment styles doesn’t fix everything. But it is a powerful first step. When you can see the pattern — and understand where it comes from — you can start to break it together.
Understanding Yourself and the Partner You Chose
No matter your attachment style, you can build a more secure relationship. It takes awareness, willingness, and practice.
Most couples who come to therapy describe their problem as “communication issues.” And yes, communication matters. But the real issue is usually something deeper — old wounds, nervous system responses, and attachment patterns that have been running the show for years without either partner realizing it.
Through couples therapy, you can understand what’s really driving your dynamic.
You can heal old hurts. And you can build something that feels genuinely safe and secure — for both of you.
Ready to work on your relationship?
If you and your partner keep getting stuck in the same push-and-pull patterns, couples therapy can help you understand why — and find a better way forward.
I work with couples in person in Boulder, CO and via telehealth across the country. I use PACT and other evidence-based approaches that help partners understand each other on a deeper level.
Schedule a free 30-minute consultation to see if working together is a good fit.
