Do you know your attachment style? Stan Tatkin, founder of the Psycho-biological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) uses terms like “wave” (anxious ambivalent), “island” (anxious avoidant), and “anchor” (securely attached) to describe different ways people connect in relationships.
What’s Up with Waves
Waves had lots of face-to-face time and emotional interactions as kids. They focus on feelings and meaning, but they also fear losing relationships, rejection, and being abandoned. Often, their parents were distracted, depressed, or dealing with their own problems, which made waves feel anxious when relationships change or end.
Waves tend to push partners away to avoid being rejected first and struggle to ask for what they need, feeling they live on “crumbs” of affection. They expect partners to know their needs without them speaking up and are sensitive to any signs of rejection or withdrawal.
For waves, it’s important to practice calming themselves and asking for what they need. Focusing on the positive aspects of the relationship and appreciating their partner’s need for space can also help. Meanwhile, islands should be open about their feelings, set clear boundaries, and learn to be emotionally available to their partner. Valuing their partner’s emotional expressiveness can strengthen the relationship.
Being Island-like
Islands, on the other hand, grew up focusing on independence and self-reliance. They fear losing their independence and sense of self, preferring alone time to recharge and avoid conflict. Islands are less comfortable showing emotions and often avoid talking about past issues, preferring to move forward instead.
Islands are independent, needing space and preferring rational discussions over emotional ones. They value self-sufficiency, often due to a childhood where they were rewarded for being independent and not needy. They might seem like loners, but they long for connection just like everyone else. Understanding these tendencies can help improve relationships.
I have a few “islands” in my family, like my dad. He loved his alone time and hated being interrupted when busy. Islands often find it stressful to be around others for too long and may get irritated when their concentration is broken. They prefer doing things on their own and can feel uncomfortable accepting help because they don’t want to owe anyone.
Growing up, islands didn’t get much emotional support from their caregivers. Instead, they received praise for being smart and self-reliant. As adults, they fear being dependent on others because they’ve learned it’s safer to rely on themselves. This makes them wary of intimacy and they often retreat into their own world to self-soothe.
In relationships, islands struggle with physical closeness and may have a time limit for how long they can be affectionate. They also worry about their partner’s competence, preferring to handle things on their own. Trusting others can be hard for islands, so they may seem secretive or distant. They might find comfort in pets more than people.
Islands can also be passive-aggressive, avoiding direct conflict but feeling frustrated when they can’t meet their partner’s expectations. They value independence and hate the idea of being a burden or having others depend on them too much.
For islands, connecting with their partner through physical touch can help reduce stress, but they often avoid it because it feels overwhelming. They might feel relieved when their partner leaves, leading to feelings of shame. This is not due to a lack of attraction but a fear of losing their autonomy.
Islands may have trouble understanding their own feelings and those of their partner. They focus on outward success and appearances, making it hard to connect emotionally. However, with effort, islands can learn to build stronger, more secure relationships by practicing emotional awareness and communication.
Providing Relationship Stability
Anchors are securely attached and comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They manage their own needs and support their partner’s needs well, providing a stable foundation in relationships.
In relationships, waves and islands often clash because waves seek closeness while islands need space. Understanding each other’s needs and stress responses can help balance their relationship. Both partners need to communicate and understand each other to avoid conflicts.
By recognizing these patterns, waves and islands can work towards healthier, more understanding relationships, creating a balance that allows both partners to feel secure and supported.
Waves:
- Had lots of face-to-face time and emotional interactions as kids.
- Focus on feelings and meaning.
- Fear losing relationships, rejection, and being abandoned.
- Often had parents who were distracted, depressed, or dealing with their own problems.
- Feel anxious when relationships change or end.
- Tend to push partners away to avoid being rejected first.
- Struggle to ask for what they need and feel they live on “crumbs” of affection.
- Expect partners to know their needs without them speaking up.
- Sensitive to any signs of rejection or withdrawal.
Islands:
- Grew up focusing on independence and self-reliance.
- Fear losing their independence and sense of self.
- Prefer alone time to recharge and avoid conflict.
- Less comfortable with showing emotions.
- Avoid talking about past issues and prefer moving forward.
Anchors:
- Securely attached and comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
- Manage their own needs and support their partner’s needs well.
Relationships:
- Waves and islands often clash because waves seek closeness while islands need space.
- Understanding each other’s needs and stress responses can help balance their relationship.
- Both partners need to communicate and understand each other to avoid conflicts.
Tips for Waves:
- Practice calming yourself and asking for what you need.
- Focus on positive aspects of your relationship.
- Appreciate your partner’s need for space.
Tips for Islands:
- Be open about your feelings and set clear boundaries.
- Learn to be emotionally available to your partner.
- Value your partner’s emotional expressiveness.
Understand Yourself and the Partner You Picked
No matter your attachment style, understanding your tendencies and working on secure attachment skills can improve your relationships and help you feel more connected and supported.
I help couples who are struggling with unresolved hurts, emotional disconnection, ongoing tension, and even boredom. For many of them, doubts about the longevity of the relationship have cropped up. They aren’t having fun anymore. They need a change and they are ready to get some help to make a change.
The catchphrase that gets thrown around is that these couples have “communication issues”. It’s true that communication is crucial, but focusing primarily on how information is shared and received isn’t enough. There’s more to figure out if you want to make meaningful changes in your relationship.
Through our work together, I will help you understand your relationship dynamics and learn how to repair previously unresolved hurts. You will develop new skills to co-create a safe, secure, trusting relationship.
Call/Text today to schedule a free consultation session, (720) 443-1071!