How Jen and Derek Turned Things Around—and Why You Can Too
Feeling alone in your relationship
Jen and Derek had been married for sixteen years and were raising two kids. But over the last four years, Jen began to feel more and more alone—even though she wasn’t physically alone. Something felt missing in her marriage. She had asked Derek many times to go to couple therapy with her, hoping it would help them reconnect.
Each time, Derek rolled his eyes or brushed her off. He said things like, “We’re fine,” or “We can handle our problems ourselves.” His words made Jen feel small and shut down. She started keeping her feelings to herself and felt lonelier than ever.
Why do people avoid couple therapy?
This situation is more common than you might think. One partner asks for help, and the other says no. But why?
Here are some common reasons:
- They grew up in families where therapy wasn’t accepted.
(“We don’t talk about our problems with strangers.”) - They feel embarrassed.
(“What does it say about us if we can’t fix this ourselves?”) - They worry about privacy or being judged.
- They’re afraid things might change too much.
Sometimes, a person might secretly be losing hope or interest in the relationship. In those cases, saying no to therapy might be a way to avoid facing hard truths.
Ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away
When one partner says, “I’m not happy,” it’s a big red flag. Ignoring that signal doesn’t fix anything—it usually makes things worse. And if you continue to shut your partner down, they might begin to think you just don’t care.
They might wonder:
“Do they care more about their comfort than about me?”
“Are they even trying to make this work?”
This can lead to deep hurt, confusion, and eventually, distance that’s hard to come back from.
A turning point
Jen didn’t give up. She started reading books by Dr. Stan Tatkin, a couples therapist who teaches something called secure functioning. This means both partners take care of each other and themselves—no one wins while the other loses.
Jen realized that pressuring Derek hadn’t helped. So, she tried something different. She softened her tone, invited him gently, and reassured him that therapy wasn’t about blaming—it was about learning how to work better as a team.
“I have your back, Derek,” she told him. “But it doesn’t feel like you have mine. I’m starting to feel betrayed.”
Her honesty, mixed with kindness, helped Derek finally say yes.
The power of working together
Therapy wasn’t easy, but it changed their relationship. Jen and Derek started feeling closer. They listened better, parented better, and even enjoyed each other more in bed. Derek ended up feeling so grateful. He told Jen, “Thank you for not giving up on us.”
Don’t wait until it’s too late
If your partner is asking you to go to couple therapy, see it as a gift—not a punishment. They’re saying they care. They want to work it out with you, not without you.
Is your partner asking you to go to therapy? Don’t shut them down. Take the first step. Say yes. Because sometimes, asking for help is the strongest thing love can do.
Need support finding the right couples therapist? I can help. Reach out today and let’s start rebuilding—together.
