Forget the lists. Focus on what really works.
As couples therapists, my colleagues and I have shared all kinds of advice over the years—“7 Rules for Love,” “10 Steps to a Happy Relationship,” “5 Secrets for Better Communication.” But let’s be honest—if those lists actually worked during tough moments, we’d all be out of a job.
The truth is, our logical minds aren’t in charge when emotions are running high.
When emotions take over.
When you’re upset, angry, or feeling misunderstood by your partner, rules fly out the window. Your body and brain go into stress mode. You might feel overwhelmed, shut down, or lash out. In these moments, it’s almost impossible to remember the “right” way to act.
Trying to say, “Hey, remember rule #8: don’t be reactive!” during a fight is like throwing a glass of water on a wildfire. It doesn’t help.
When things go wrong.
In the heat of the moment, we accuse. We blame. We yell or go silent. And after the fight, the pain doesn’t just disappear. It sinks into our memory—both the kind we can remember and the deep, emotional kind we feel in our gut. These painful moments build up, making our partner feel more like a threat than a safe place.
Why repair is the key.
There is one thing—one simple but powerful principle—that can change everything. It’s called repair.
Repair means recognizing that you hurt your partner, even if you didn’t mean to. It means feeling their pain, taking responsibility, and working together to heal. It’s not just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about truly seeing each other and being willing to reconnect.
Repair helps us understand what went wrong and how to do better next time. It builds trust, safety, and love.
Without repair, we drift apart.
If we don’t repair, the pain doesn’t go away—it grows. Hurt turns into resentment. Silence turns into loneliness. Over time, we stop feeling close. We stop being curious about each other. We stop growing together.
But when we choose to repair, we make our relationship stronger—even after mistakes.
Everyone messes up (yes, everyone).
No matter how healthy your relationship is, you’re going to mess up sometimes. You’ll say the wrong thing. You’ll be tired, stressed, distracted. You’ll miss your partner’s cues or forget something important.
The question isn’t if this will happen. The question is: Will you repair?
If you know that, no matter what, you and your partner will come back together and heal the hurt, that creates real security.
Strong relationships are built on repair
When both partners commit to repair, you can handle anything together. You won’t avoid hard conversations or pretend everything is fine. You’ll face problems, apologize when needed, and learn from them.
Even silence can hurt more than words, if we don’t talk about what’s really going on. That’s why repair is so essential—it brings everything into the light where it can be healed.
The rule for the fridge
The best relationships are built on freedom—the freedom to feel, to be human, and to make mistakes. That’s why the most important rule I share with couples isn’t a list of steps.
It’s just this:
“We are partners who repair—no matter what.”
Stick it on the fridge. Live by it. Let it guide you.
Because couples who know how to repair don’t just survive—they grow stronger together, day by day.
Will you implement the one rule that can save your relationship?
Let me show you how. Schedule a free consultation today!
