How secure relationships can power your life and bring out the best in you and your partner
Love that lifts you up
Healthy, secure relationships give us something special: energy. Not just the kind that gets you out of bed, but a deep, lasting strength that carries you through life. When we feel safe and connected to someone we trust, it gives us confidence, joy, and resilience—even on the hardest days.
PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) therapists understand this well. They know that people feel better when they know how to be successful in their relationships. When your connection feels solid and secure, you’re more focused, more creative, and more at peace.
What secure relationships look like
Secure relationships are built on mutual respect. That means treating each other fairly, being sensitive to each other’s feelings, and sharing life in a way that feels just and kind.
When your partner feels even a little unwanted, unimportant, or unseen, things can go sideways. They might act distant, frustrated, or just not like themselves. It’s not because they’re “being difficult”—it’s because something in the connection feels off.
The brain in survival mode
When a relationship feels insecure, the brain starts working overtime just to keep things going. It switches into survival mode, which uses up energy that could otherwise go toward growing, learning, and connecting.
Over time, this can make both partners feel stuck or unhappy—even if they still love each other.
Why couples struggle (and what helps)
Many couples run into problems not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to care in the right way. They might not understand their own needs, let alone their partner’s. And when things feel messy or confusing, it’s easy to pull away or start blaming each other.
PACT teaches something different. It helps couples learn to really know themselves—and also to know their partners. Not the fantasy version, but who your partner truly is, how they think, how they feel, and how they move through the world.
This takes curiosity and effort. But it’s worth it.
The key ideas of secure-functioning love
Here’s the heart of it: in a secure-functioning relationship, you’re responsible for knowing your partner and helping them thrive. And they’re responsible for doing the same for you.
It may sound funny, but we often say the real wedding vows should include, “I take you to be my perfect pain in the butt.”
Why? Because loving someone means understanding their quirks, caring for them anyway, and staying in it together—even when things get hard.
Why this works
Sometimes, people push back on the idea of putting the relationship first. They say, “What about me?” But here’s the truth: when you care for your partner in this way, you benefit too.
You help your partner feel calm, safe, and seen—and they’ll be in a better place to love and care for you in return. It’s a powerful loop of support that keeps both people feeling good, connected, and secure.
Everyday ways to strengthen your bond
Want to start putting these ideas into action? Here are two simple things to try:
- Watch what your partner hears from you. How do you talk about them? Are your words kind, respectful, loving?
- Introduce them with pride. When you’re out with others, speak about your partner in ways that lift them up and show your love.
Small moments like these send big messages:
“I’m good at being with you.”
“I care about you.”
“You matter to me.”
Love that fuels your life
Love and connection aren’t just about romance. They’re a life force. A glance, a smile, a kind word—these small acts can recharge you and your partner in an instant.
With the help of PACT principles, couples can learn how to truly care for each other, understand each other, and feel deeply loved for who they are. And that kind of love doesn’t just feel good—it helps you grow, thrive, and shine in every part of life.
Ready to take the next step?
If you’re struggling in your relationship or would like to learn how to have an extraordinary relationship I can help. I offer couples therapy in person in Boulder, online throughout Colorado, and coaching across the U.S.
Reach out today to schedule a free 30-minute consultation.
Let’s talk about how I can support you on your path toward cultivating a secure functioning relationship that lasts!
