In the first part of this series, we talked about why breakups hurt so much more than people realize. Now, let’s talk about how to actually heal.
Dr. Pascual-Leone has found that people who successfully get through breakups naturally follow three steps. Understanding these steps can help you navigate your own healing journey.
Step 1: Slow Down and Feel Your Feelings
This is the hardest step because it goes against what everyone tells you to do.
When you’re hurting, people say things like:
- “Stay busy!”
- “Don’t think about it!”
- “Get out there and date someone new!”
But rushing around and staying busy doesn’t help you heal. It just postpones the pain.
The first step is to slow down and pay attention to how you feel. Yes, it hurts. But your feelings are trying to tell you something important.
Untangle Your Emotions
Right after a breakup, your emotions are all mixed up. You might feel sad, angry, embarrassed, and scared all at the same time. It’s like a big knot of feelings that’s hard to understand.
But each emotion carries different information:
- Sadness tells you what you valued and lost
- Anger tells you when your boundaries were crossed
- Fear tells you what you’re worried about
- Shame tells you when you feel bad about yourself
Instead of just feeling “terrible,” try to figure out what specific emotions you’re experiencing. Ask yourself:
- What hurts the most about this?
- What am I angry about?
- What am I afraid of now?
- What do I feel bad about?
Watch Out for Rumination
There’s a difference between processing your feelings and getting stuck in your head.
Processing feelings means slowing down, feeling the emotion, and understanding what it’s telling you.
Rumination is when you go round and round in your head with the same thoughts: “What if I had done this differently?” “What if they come back?” “Why did this happen?”
Rumination keeps you busy but doesn’t help you heal. If you notice yourself doing this, try to come back to what you’re feeling right now.
Step 2: Face Your Deeper Fears
This is where things get hard, but it’s also where real healing happens.
When a relationship ends, it usually hits on some deeper fear or insecurity you have about yourself. Maybe you start thinking:
- “I’m not good enough”
- “I’m unlovable”
- “I always mess things up”
- “I’ll never find anyone else”
These thoughts are what Dr. Pascual-Leone calls hitting your “soft spot” – that vulnerable place where you feel worst about yourself.
Don’t Believe Everything You Think
When you’re hurting, your brain tries to make sense of why this happened. Often, it decides it’s all your fault. This is your brain trying to feel in control, but it’s not helpful.
Instead of believing these harsh thoughts about yourself, try to look deeper. What do you really need as a human being?
Everyone needs:
- To feel valued and important
- To feel loved and accepted
- To feel safe and secure
- To feel like they matter
These aren’t selfish wants – they’re basic human needs.
Create Helpful Tension
Here’s something interesting: when you can say “I need to feel valued and loved” while also recognizing “I feel worthless right now,” something powerful happens.
This contradiction – between what you need and how you feel – creates tension that helps you change and grow. Instead of just feeling bad, you start moving toward getting your needs met.
Step 3: Stand Up for Yourself and Grieve What You Lost
The final step is about reclaiming your worth and saying goodbye to what you’ve lost.
Healthy Anger is Your Friend
A lot of people think anger is bad, but healthy anger can help you heal. It’s your inner voice saying, “I deserve better than this.”
Anger helps you:
- Set boundaries
- Protect your self-worth
- Create distance from what hurt you
- Remember what you’re fighting for
You’re not fighting against your ex. You’re fighting for yourself – for your dignity, your worth, and your right to be treated well.
Grieve the Future That Won’t Happen
This might be the hardest part: letting go of the future you imagined with this person.
These “undeclared losses” include:
- The trips you planned to take together
- The kids you imagined having
- The home you wanted to buy
- The life you pictured together
These dreams were real to you, even though they never happened. It’s important to acknowledge and grieve them too.
Finishing the Feeling
The goal isn’t to stop caring about this person or to pretend the relationship didn’t matter. The goal is to “finish the feeling” – to let your emotions run their natural course so you can genuinely move on.
When you fully process grief (both sadness and anger), it naturally completes itself. You don’t forget, but the sharp pain transforms into something you can carry without it weighing you down.
Remember: Healing Isn’t Linear
These three steps don’t happen in a neat order. You might go back and forth between them. You might have a good day, then a terrible day. That’s completely normal.
Healing from a breakup is like recovering from a physical injury. It takes time, it requires care and attention, and some days are better than others.
In the final part of this series, I’ll share practical tools you can use to work through each of these steps, plus different ways your healing journey might unfold.
The most important thing to remember is that you’re not broken, and you will get through this. Taking the time to truly heal – instead of just “moving on” – will make you stronger and help you create better relationships in the future.
Healing takes courage. If you’re doing this work, you’re being brave, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
