We’ve covered why breakups hurt so much and the three steps of healing. Now let’s talk about practical tools you can use and different ways your healing journey might look.
When You Can’t Get Closure from Them
One of the hardest parts of breakups is when you have things you need to say but can’t – either because they won’t talk to you, or because talking to them would make things worse.
The good news? You can get closure without them.
Dr. Pascual-Leone says closure has nothing to do with what happened. Closure is about your relationship to what happened. You can create that yourself.
The Empty Chair Technique
This might sound weird, but it really works. Put an empty chair in front of you and imagine your ex sitting there. Then say everything you need to say to them.
You might say:
- “I’m angry that you led me on”
- “I’m hurt that you didn’t fight for us”
- “I forgive you, but I won’t forget how you treated me”
- “Goodbye”
Let yourself feel whatever comes up. Cry, yell, whisper – whatever feels right. This isn’t about them hearing you. It’s about you getting those words out of your system.
Write Letters You’ll Never Send
Sometimes writing is easier than talking out loud. Write letters to your ex saying everything you wish you could tell them.
You can write multiple letters:
- An angry letter getting out all your frustration
- A sad letter about what you’ll miss
- A forgiveness letter (when and if you’re ready)
- A goodbye letter
Don’t send these letters. They’re for you, not them. Some people find it helpful to burn or tear up the letters when they’re done.
Create Your Own Story
You get to decide what this relationship meant and why it ended. You don’t need them to agree with your version of events.
Your story might be:
- “They weren’t ready for the kind of love I had to offer”
- “We wanted different things and that’s okay”
- “They treated me badly and I deserve better”
- “We both made mistakes, but I learned from mine”
Pick the story that feels most true and helpful to you.
Different Types of Grief (And Why That Matters)
Not all breakups are the same. Understanding what kind of grief you’re experiencing can help you know what to expect.
Simple Grief
This is when the relationship was good but ended for straightforward reasons (like moving to different cities). It still hurts a lot, but the healing process is usually more predictable.
Delayed Grief
Sometimes you can’t grieve right away because of other responsibilities – kids to take care of, work deadlines, family emergencies. This grief gets put “on hold” but might come up later. That’s completely normal.
Complex Grief
This happens when the relationship involved betrayal, abuse, or treatment that made you question your own worth. This type of grief is harder because you’re not just sad about losing someone – you’re also dealing with deeper wounds to your sense of self.
If your relationship involved emotional abuse, cheating, or other betrayals, be extra gentle with yourself. You might need professional help to work through complex grief.
Tools for Each Step of Healing
For Step 1 (Feeling Your Feelings):
- Journaling: Write about your emotions without censoring yourself
- Body awareness: Notice where you feel emotions in your body
- Mindfulness: When you notice rumination, bring your attention back to what you’re feeling right now
- Movement: Sometimes emotions get stuck in the body. Walking, dancing, or exercise can help them move through you
For Step 2 (Facing Deeper Fears):
- Self-compassion: Talk to yourself like you would a good friend
- Challenge negative thoughts: Ask yourself “Is this thought helpful? Is it true? What would I tell a friend thinking this?”
- Affirm your needs: Remind yourself that needing love and acceptance is normal, not selfish
- Therapy: If you’re struggling with deep shame or self-worth issues, professional help can be really valuable
For Step 3 (Standing Up for Yourself):
- Boundary setting: Decide what contact (if any) you want with your ex
- Anger work: Physical exercise, screaming in your car, or hitting pillows can help release healthy anger
- Grief rituals: Create ceremonies to say goodbye – like burying photos or releasing balloons
- Future visioning: Start imagining what you want your life to look like going forward
Three Ways This Could End (And They’re All Okay)
There are three healthy outcomes to processing a breakup:
- Forgive and Get Back Together: You both do the work to heal the relationship and try again
- Forgive but Stay Apart: You let go of resentment but choose not to resume the relationship
- Don’t Forgive, Don’t Get Back Together: You hold them accountable for how they treated you and choose to move on
All three of these are valid choices. What matters is that your choice comes from genuine processing, not from avoiding your feelings or reacting out of hurt.
When to Get Professional Help
Consider reaching out to a therapist if:
- You can’t function in daily life for weeks or months
- You’re having thoughts of hurting yourself
- The breakup brought up past traumas
- You’re stuck in destructive patterns
- Your friends and family are worried about you
- The relationship involved abuse or manipulation
Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you care enough about yourself to get the support you need.
Time Really Is Part of the Equation
Even when you do everything “right,” healing takes time. There’s no rushing it.
Think of it like a broken bone. You need to set it properly (do the emotional work), but then you also need to let time do its thing. You can’t will a broken bone to heal faster, and you can’t will a broken heart to heal faster either.
But unlike a broken bone, you don’t just sit and wait. You actively participate in your healing by feeling your feelings, facing your fears, and taking care of yourself along the way.
Moving Forward, Not Moving On
Here’s an important distinction: the goal isn’t to “move on” like this person never mattered. The goal is to move forward with your life while carrying the lessons and love from this relationship in a healthy way.
Moving forward means:
- You can think about them without being overwhelmed by pain
- You’ve learned something about yourself and what you want in relationships
- You’re open to love again (when you’re ready)
- You’ve grown as a person through this experience
You Will Be Okay
If you’re reading this in the middle of heartbreak, I know it’s hard to believe, but you will be okay. Maybe even better than okay.
This pain you’re feeling isn’t a punishment or a sign that something’s wrong with you. It’s evidence that you’re capable of deep love. That’s a gift, even when it hurts.
Take your time. Feel your feelings. Be gentle with yourself. Get help when you need it. And trust that healing is not only possible – it’s inevitable if you allow it to happen.
The end of this relationship isn’t just an ending. It’s also a beginning – a chance to discover who you are when you’re not part of an “us,” and to figure out what you really want and need in your next relationship.
You’re stronger than you think, and you deserve love – including love from yourself.
Remember: seeking support isn’t giving up. It’s an act of self-love and courage. If you’re struggling with relationship grief, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help.
